Sick Baby

Let me give you a quick glimpse into my life. I blog sometimes about things that I worry about or that bother me, so I worry that it may seem that my life is this terrible, no good life. 

Well, generally I wake up to the sounds of my sweet little girl moving around in her crib as she wakes up. She usually sleeps pretty well through the night and then coos in her crib till I come to get her. When I walk in the room her face lights up into a smile and she rushes to the side of the crib to greet me. 

Seriously, what could be a better wake up call. Granted, I let her coo and occasionally whimper (okay sometimes she cries a little too) in the crib until 7 or so when I am ready to have her get out of the crib. If the crying is too bad I get her a little earlier, but any annoyance about that is melted away by her smiles. 

Then breakfast, which is always entertaining. She loves eating and is so much fun to feed. The day is usually sprinkled with some sort of errand, where she is so excited to see new things that it makes me genuinely happy about everything, and cleaning which is never too bad when you have this little imp crawling (and now that she can use the walker she "bumper-car-runs") around my legs. 

Anyway, in all seriousness, life is good. I love being a mom. I feel like all my life I have been searching for my purpose. Like I might have found it in a job or in a major or degree. I never found it. Until now. Now I love being a wife and a mom. There are things about it that are hard. Very hard. In ways I never imagined. But I guess that's what makes it so fulfilling. 

One of those hard things is sickness. My daughter just got sick for the first time. I mean coughing till she gags, can't sleep for more then 15-20 minutes between coughing fits, goes back to sleep faster if she knows we are there to comfort her, nose running like a faucet, cries about the littlest thing because she is so tired type sick. Breaks my heart. Really I was beside myself. I didn't know what to do. We are on the downhill part of it today and she is actually sleeping now.

 (Insert Hallelujah Chorus here... quietly... strike that, let's stay away from all noises) 

BUT I realized something. Something besides the fact that the people manufacturing baby tylenol are in it for the business... why else would they change the dosing so you have to use 2.5 syringe fulls of medicine. Have you ever tried to get one full syringeful into a crying baby? How about 2? How about 2.5? You're all jerks. Corporate, business-minded jerks. Yes, now I will use my baby tylenol a heck of a lot faster and come crawling back to you all frazzled when my baby is sick. Why would you pick on us moms. You try it for a day. Then we will see about how you choose to change dosing. 

Back to what I realized though. My baby is teething. That's right. On top of all the sickness she has two teeth coming in right next to her little bottom teeth. My heart is breaking for her. Breaking and hoping she will sleep just a little longer... 

The Side Effect of Pregnancy and Motherhood

I was realizing today that lately I feel guilty so much more often than I ever have in my life. The more that I thought about it the more that I realized that it all began with being pregnant. Or even deciding to have children. Really, think about it. Are you eating the right things to prepare your body for pregnancy? Is your body too thin? Too fat? Enough muscle? Once you are pregnant are you sleeping on the right side? Do you occasionally drift to your back during the night? Do you eat fish? Do you remember to kegel? Have you taken a birthing class? Are you taking the right birthing class? Have you studied enough? Are you studying too much? Is your baby active? Is it too active? Is it something you ate? Is it something you didn't eat? Did the baby already develop the wrong genes? Once the baby is born the heavy dose of guilt begins: Are you feeding/holding/loving the baby correctly? Did you give birth right? Are the socks you bought going to stunt the growth of his feet? Are you choosing the formula that will prepare the little brain for Harvard? Are you sleeping too soundly that you won't her the important whimper? And too top it off, all the signs that say "Don't leave baby unattended" ...what may have happened that one time you left the baby in the high chair when you had to rush to the restroom?

Sometimes I think that the overactive guilt of being a mother comes from the overactive judging of other mothers that occurred when I was pregnant. Really, the "when I am a mom, I will never be neglectful enough to leave my children while I use the restroom" or the "my children will be so loved they never cry, she just must not love her children" And then your baby cries in the hospital and you immediately feel as though if you had loved her more up to that point she wouldn't be crying. Granted this is after labor and 48 hours of no sleep so the guilt is coated extra strong on your weary emotional eyes.

It's funny because if the roles were reversed and the males were in charge of staying at home and nurturing the children, this would be the mindset:

Dad #1 - "Dude, my baby just stood for the first time."
Dad #2 - "That's awesome!"
High fives
Dad #2 - "You should see the faces my baby makes when she fills her diaper, look at this picture...

Instead this is what happens with moms

Mom #1 - after some deliberation whether it was too much to tell or not, but realizing that her friend would see it either way at the next play date, "She is crawling everywhere."
Mom #2 - "Yay, that's exciting" while thinking, "What am I doing wrong? My baby hasn't even acted like she is thinking about crawling. Should I have her looked at? Maybe the pediatrician forgot to ask me about that and this is a sign of something more serious? I can't believe I haven't given her enough attention that she feels the need to crawl to me."

I realize that all of this may be a slight over exaggeration and may also depend on which males or females you are talking about. Quite an over generalization, but maybe it's all in an effort to make me feel like I am not the only mother who has ever felt guilty...

Don't get me wrong. Motherhood is awesome. I feel like I am one of the few that gets the awesome opportunity to see my daughter as she progresses and the miracles that happen in her life. But why is it that when anything goes wrong I feel like I could have done something to prevent it?? I sure hope that having more children makes you feel less guilty rather than more guilty! 

Weekly Emails

So I get all sorts of emails about my baby's weekly development and things that I should know how to do. As I was glancing through this week's First Aid things to know I scanned and realized it really would be good to know all of these things in case of an emergency.
I started to read in depth and as I read more and more my adrenalin started pulsing. Then I read about head injuries and how you shouldn't let the baby sleep too much if they have hit their head hard. It was at that point I nearly rushed into my sleeping darlin's room to wake her up and make sure all was well.
Then I realized it was only an email and she hadn't had a head injury.
I think I need to get out of the house.

The Glorious Thing I Call Showers

So I feel like there are times when I think that I have a routine down real well and then something happens. But there are bits and pieces of the routine that I hang on to that I couldn't do without.

One thing that I haven't been able to figure out is regular showering. Gross right?! But really I tried it while she was napping but then she would wake up mid nap and there I was soaking wet with a screaming baby that I wanted to cuddle. Or while she was playing in the playpen, but then she was learning how to stand and would fall and cry and I would want to made sure no bones were bent and all was well. Or while she was watching Baby Einstein I would try to take a 5 minute shower.... That's probably the 3 showers that I have had in the past 7 months. Okay, not really. I showered often, but it was always pending the needs of my child. Which is how it should be, right?!

Well, I have decided that there are things in life that I have been viewing as luxuries when in all reality they are necessities. The things that are daily necessities (at least the few I have been neglecting) are exercise, showers, and regular mealtimes.

Before you start thinking that I am disgusting. I showered. 5 minute, "don't wash your hair" showers. At least every other day. But I am talking long, "let the warm water relax your body from the scalp down" showers.

Anyway, this last week I have found that it is possible for me to have relaxing showers. When, you ask. I will tell you. At night!!

 Hello?! Why did I not think of this before? Well, because I hate showering at night because then I go to bed with wet hair which makes me feel like I am sweating if I wake up in the middle of the night with wet hair. BUT, I have learned that going to bed with wet hair is a price I am willing to pay for a nice relaxing shower. Seriously. I showered one night and I realized at the end of the shower that I had thought of nothing. Really, seriously. I don't think my brain ever takes a break. But it did. It may have been the first time in my life. It was glorious and relaxing.

I love it. I will continue to enjoy Kaela's wake time and then when she goes down at night... Me time!! Yay!

All I have to say about the exercise and the regular mealtimes is just to do it. Realizing that I needed them daily was my biggest problem. Now I just remember those are two things that have to be a part of my day.

Feeding Schedules

I am a student by nature. I love to be learning and I have this innate desire to be well versed at everything that I do. I guess that would be why I took a marriage and family relations class about 3 years before I got married. I knew that was going to be the most important thing in my future and I wanted to make sure that I did it right.

When I was pregnant I researched as much as I could handle and thought I was fully ready to be a mom. I read baby wise (and promptly forgot all of it, maybe not promptly but once I actually had the baby screaming in my arms I seemed to forget everything I had learned). I got a nap schedule down, got her sleeping through the night and figured that I was doing well.

Today she is a little over 7 months old. I returned to my research to make sure that I was feeding her the proper amount and at a recommended schedule. I have been feeding her cereal and vegetables for dinner and bottles for every other meal. Whoops.... apparently she should be having solids 3 times a day AND snacking.... looks like I should be doing research a little more often...

Who Needs Sleep?

So last night my baby girl woke up every hour.

You know how you have those nights when the baby wakes up often and you genuinely think, "my sweet baby, what is wrong?? I hope that she is ok! What on earth could be ailing her? I need to be by her side." That is how I feel for a good percentage of the nights she wakes up often. Unfortunately I have those nights when I feel more along the lines of, "Seriously, I just put you down! Why? What more could you possibly need?!" Of course I felt that way the fourth time I was up -- that's when I convinced the hubby it was his turn. Normally he would jump at my asking to help, but he had a big day at work the next day (and flying helicopters is an occupation that you really need to be rested) so he hesitated until I told him she had been up EVERY hour. So dutifully he ran to make her a bottle at 4:30 am. I listened to her cry for another 2 minutes or so while he made the bottle, but before he even got to her she fell back to sleep.

Somehow the message was relayed to her that from then on it was daddy's turn to get up so she slept till 7:00.... How is that fair?!?!

THEN my dear hubby said that I should simply sleep while she took her naps. Awesome, that's the plan. I feed her and along rolls her morning nap time. I am ready for a good 2 hour nap, at least 1.5 hour. Nope my friend, 20 minutes. I laid down right as I put her in the crib at 9:50 and was awaken by her cry at 10:14. Thinking maybe I would let her cry and she would go back to sleep I laid there until the clock hit 10:20... I sobbed into my pillow and I went and got her.

One day, I will request my well earned and well deserved PTO for a full 48 hours of whatever I want to do. But it's gotta be good, so I will wait till I find out what that is.

The funny thing is I want to be so bugged and ornery so she realizes how much she interrupted my sleep, but then I see her standing in her crib and her face breaks into a huge gummy smile at the sight of me and my heart melts and I decide to save the games for another lifetime. For this one I will just hug her, enjoy her and laugh at my lack of sleep. (Once it's too much of a lack I may shed a tear or two, but no one needs to know that)